ISPs, Phone Companies, and Service calls, oh My!

The Rantmaster’s castle has experienced a bumpy road of late. Things are breaking down faster than I can even call for help. Before itemizing the list of crises for your entertainment I’d like to spin a tale of technical support buffoonery served up by my phone company / internet service provider. I won’t name the company but it rhymes with “sensory stink”. For the last two months my DSL (I know – but that’s all that is available in my area) has been dropping connection at varying intervals, sometimes several times a day. The tech support line was called on three occasions. Credit where it is due, I never had to wait long for a pseudo tech (script reader) but the heavily accented ladies were unable to connect the symptoms I described to a solution. In the hopes of a fix the old hot head held his temper through some very trying conversations none of which produced any results. Finally I resorted to the internet chat support option which I had to do from work since – catch22 – I couldn’t from home because of the bad connection problem. This tech was much more knowledgeable and was able, from my description of the problem, to tell me that they would have to send a service tech out to solve it. I was told, and soon received a confirming email, that a service tech would show up the next day “between 1:00 and 5:00”.

I’m sure that you can see where this is going. There is nothing more frustrating than this type of service appointment. Essentially you are being told that “we really don’t give a damn that you have to work in order to pay for our services, we expect you to give up half a day to wait for a service call that may or may not happen in a timely manner.” But over the barrel I was. So I went home at noon to wait. At 3:00 I clicked on a link in my confirmation letter to see what the service schedule looked like. (I had learned that I could get a reliable internet connection if I took a phone off the hook.) The schedule said that a tech would arrive between 5:43 and 7:00. And that was the point where my patience ran out. I called tech support to confirm this and the heavily accented lady informed me that yes, the service call was now scheduled for after 5:43 PM. The next 30 minutes was an exercise in rantsmanship. I prefaced it by saying I understood that the lady had no control over this but since SensoryStink had no phone, address, or email available to express my displeasure, she was going to hear it and she could pass it on to her superiors. I won’t elaborate, but at the end of my diatribe – vivid and intense but free of profanity - I’m sure that the message was received that I considered the company’s service policies to be the equivalent of the throughput of a male bovine. She, of course indicated that she “understood” and that there was nothing she could do. I complimented her on her unfailing politeness in the face of raw anger and hung up.

Twenty minutes later the service tech showed up, spent 30 minutes at my house, installed a new modem and charged me nothing.

Now I don’t want to suggest that flying off the handle like Peter Finch in Network had anything to do with this outcome, but the service came suspiciously fast. So thanks to whatever got this accomplished. Problem fixed after only four phone calls, one internet chat and one service call. Should this make me happy? I am somewhat perplexed.

Now on to other concerns. The recent cascade of problems started with the cord in a drapery rod breaking. Not earth shaking, but it took a month to get cord and find resources to figure out how to make the repair. Meanwhile we have a blizzard, fight an ice dam leaking into our three seasons room, desktop computer’s on/off switch on starts functioning only intermittently, kitchen stove oven starts turning on spontaneously due to faulty repair part supplied by Sears service, garage door opener chain jumps track leading to cracking my head on the malfunctioning door, slow leak develops in tire, squirrels chew bulbs off outdoor Christmas lights, orchestra rehearsals reach new heights of frustration, doofusses at work continue to prove their doofusity daily and it’s winter! My friends and associates are heard repeating the phrase “don’t poke the bear”. Color me cranky.

Are you people nuts?

Anyone who doubts that the human race is collectively losing its mind has only to observe the juggernaut of absurdity known as black Friday. If any single event exemplifies the extent to which our national holidays have been corrupted by greed and a total abandonment of common sense it is this orgy of materialism. Even the media, which suckles at the teat of retail advertising, is becoming repulsed by the whole repugnant spectacle as this article on Marketwatch.com indicates. Retailers are ruining the holidays.

It was bad enough when stores opened at 6:00 AM and eager sheep began lining up the previous evening but now retailers driven by ravenous mammonism cannot wait even 24 hours to revel in the squander mania of the crowds with pockets so fairly flaming with cash that they begin lining up days in advance. Retail employees are now required to forsake their homes and families during Thanksgiving Day in order to participate in the plundering. Rather than observing a day in which to give thanks for what we have already received, retail merchants trample tradition in the mud of avarice while demanding more, more, MORE.

And for what? It seems all too easy to decry a materialism where demonstrations of parental love seem to require vast expenditures to acquire extravagant playthings that will be unused and forgotten before the first month of the new year is out; where only the newest and most flamboyant entertainment delivery systems are suitable to display in our living rooms and where every living human being must be equipped with an electronic pacifier whereby they can keep in contact with other humans without actually having to deal with them face to face.

The fact is that the fruit of the frenzy for which people are willing to die (witness tramplings and similar tragedies of past events) is largely crap. Chinese and Japanese manufacturers turn out stripped down versions of products already burdened with built in obsolescence produced especially for this event so that people will willingly stampede to purchase an item on which they will “save” the cost of a Big Mac.

The psychology of black Friday is subtle and insidious. Once inside a temple of trash, mob mentality takes over and all thought of what is actually needed gives way to the desire to load the cart with anything perceived as a bargain. Additional incentive is the element of competition. Seemingly normal housewives will revert to feral behavior struggling over a bin of trinketry.

I could go on – but to what end. Thanksgiving is morphing into a demonstration of what is the very worst about American capitalism. Black Friday. Indeed.

Cell Phone Tyranny

I have consistently resisted the societal pressure to turn my entire telephone experience over to the not so tender mercies of the cell phone industry. My wife and I both have cheap pay as you go cell phones that we only use when we are either on the road or in case of emergency. The cost of both is around $18 a month and we have more minutes stored up than we will probably ever use.

I have a many reasons for this stance. I do not wish to become assimilated and like the Borg have this device seemingly grafted to my head as I see so many of my fellow humans have. I do not want the temptation to be “that guy” that I hurl obscenities at while he endangers my life as well as his weaving back and forth in traffic while he tries to both drive and engage in inane conversation. I absolutely refuse to even contemplate engaging in “texting”, a pursuit which – if random samples I have seen are any indication – has been invented in order to give the mentally challenged some means, however primitive, of communication. I long for the days when phones were used for the purposes of communication and not as a pacifier substitute.

Currently phone jammers are illegal in the United States. In spite of that I am mightily tempted to order one from Europe. Jamming phones might be the only way to return some people to consciousness. How about the mindless twit shouting into her cell phone on the elevator? I’m so thankful that your friend’s cystoscopy went well; or the 400 pounder blocking the aisle at the supermarket while regaling others with instructions to the kids on how to clean up the dog poo; and the self important blow hard that absolutely has to “take this call” in the middle of a business meeting and lets his co-workers hear the details of his offspring’s stomach virus. Right now phone jammers simply cause phones to lose the current call and prevent outgoing connections. I’m waiting for a model that not only jams the call but emits an eardrum shattering shriek. I want to make these dolts think twice before returning the phone to their head. Any rogue techy who wants to cobble a jammer like this together in their basement will have me in line for delivery.

Just out of curiosity, what is it that makes people think that they have to shout to be heard on a cell phone? I can hear your end of the conversation from fifteen feet away. It reminds me of the movies where the rural phone of the thirties is shown, the mouthpiece jutting from a box on the wall and the earpiece on a cord held to the ear with a character hollering “Gertie! Can ya hear me Gertie?!” Presumably the user doesn’t entirely trust the technology and hopes that somehow the soundwaves they are emitting can make it to the listener’s ear on their own. I don’t think that the cell phone provider commercials with the guy saying “Can you hear me now?” have helped this situation.

Finally, the cell phone providers do it to you without either a dinner or a kiss. A friend has a cell phone from a well known national provider that rhymes with horizon. Stuffed with too much hot technology, the phone’s touch screen stopped working. Company rep says: a) this is a known issue, b) phone is over a year old so no warranty, c) contract only allows discounted phone purchase every 20 months – so you can either pay full price for a new phone or I’ll sell you a used one (very likely to develop the same problem). What’s wrong with this picture? You’re locked into a contract with these thieves, your phone develops a “known issue” (translation: we bought a bad batch of phones) and the company tells you your only recourse to have a usable phone for the remainder of your contract is to buy a new phone at full price or take your chances with a used one. And I thought extortion was illegal.

Cell phones – feh!

Corporate Befuddlement

Today I am sitting in front of a computer screen doing nothing productive at time and a half.

Basically I am being paid to be the human equivalent of a Prozac tablet. Huge code rollout for the software I use last night and today testing is going on on the west coast which started at 4 AM PST and will go on until every possible scenario is tested. What no one has bothered to figure out is that testing every possible scenario would take days. Bear in mind that before this code rollout went live testing on a duplicate of the live environment went on for six weeks. So would common sense not dictate that testing on the live environment only be necessary for each component to be called and not every possible combination? Of course it would. So I think we can safely assume that there is no common sense at work in this particularly dysfunctional corporate world. As the day wears on and the zombificated testers work on into the night will anyone realize that six weeks of testing cannot be duplicated in a single weekend? I'm not holding my breath.

What makes this particularly galling is that I have had to postpone a holiday vacation with my extended family by one day so that I can come into the office and stare at the wall. My presence here is needed because the company I work for practices management by fear. Since they hire middle management not for their knowledge of the work that will be done by their employees but by their longevity and ability to avoid offending anyone higher up the ladder. Thus IT departments find themselves run by people with no knowledge of the technology used by the employees they manage. Consequently on a day like today people are called to sit in their cubes and rot "just in case". In other words because management is terrified someone will ask them a question they cannot answer. For instance "Hey why aren't the names fitting in the fields on the form?" Instead of being able to say "Because the server monkeys didn't load the correct fonts." management needs galley slaves tied to their benches who can spit out the answer. Note that this does not require the galley slave to actually haul on the oars (touch any code) it merely requires them to provide an statement that any moderately functional member of the department considers common knowledge.

The system works perfectly. Not only does the manager not have to know what's going on, the system of mandated overtime (a characteristic I have always considered as indicative of a sweat shop) insures that the manager will never have to learn it. Thus the presence of the code jockeys in the cubes allays the fear that a manager might be exposed as knowing nothing about their department.

I give you one guess as to which industry can afford to waste money in this manner.

Testosterone in the Heartland

Iowa recently passed a law to allow dove hunting. This has stirred up a passel of heated invective back and forth in blogs, letters to editors and other opportunistic venues for spleen. It's not like Iowa good old boys have nothing to hunt, Iowa has enough deer to feed an army of Daniel Boones to the point where they are referred to as "giant rats" because of the damage they do to the environment, gardens, grain storage and the like. There are seasons for pheasant, turkey, quail, rabbit, squirrel, grouse and deer in Iowa not to mention trapping for beaver, otter and bobcat. But this is not enough and the call went out from the mighty men of reknown that they needed a season to hung the mourning dove, an inoffensive little bird slightly bigger than a robin.

For the moment let's forget the fact that these "conservationists" (all avid hunters will try to convince you that only if they are allowed to kill anything that moves can our environment be saved - I have some difficulty with this but maybe I am just being dense) also lobbied mightily not to have their fun spoiled by requiring them to use steel shot thus saving the environment from the hazards of lead pellets.

In a letter to the local rag laughingly referred to as an actual newspaper, a letter was published expressing dismay that people felt the need to kill these birds. I added a comment saying "It takes a big brave man to kill a mourning dove." I suppose I should have known better. The rag in question used to allow sign in with an anonymous screen name (backed by their records regarding email address) but recently changed it to allowing only facebook login. Since I feel that I have nothing to hide I posted my comment under my facebook (real) name and today my comment was answered by one who thoroughly researched my facebook, my website and my blog to comment to all and sundry that this "computer geek who plays bassoon and likes opera and classical music knows nothing about bravery." The conversation went back and forth with his invective building as I posted replies flying way over his head. Finally I told him "you win - I admit that it DOES take a big brave man to kill a mourning dove." That the sarcasm of the last reply was even heavier than the original that started his diatribe completely escaped him. Nevertheless, I now have a gun toting "big brave man" out there somewhere that knows who I am and what city I live in. Now I have to start looking over my shoulder.

I've dealt with guys like this ever since I got my first pair of glasses in fourth grade. In grade school I was beaten regularly for being smaller and "geekier" than the neckless boys would like. When I suddenly got large in high school similar attempts ended in big surprises. I guess that intellectually I knew that the bullies are still out there - big when they are "carrying" but still cowards at heart. It does not surprise me that those that feel that they need to own a gun and kill things for amusement are largely of this ilk.

The sad part is that I, who have never owned a firearm, now feel I may need one to protect me from someone who feels threatened because I questioned his need to shoot small birds.

New Frontiers in Stupidity

We've dealt with stupidity before in these pages, particularly stupidity as it presents itself in the midwest from the belief that you can turn in any direction from any traffic lane to the belief that the number of times the floor buttons are pressed in an elevator determines how many people can get off at a given floor but new examples of new depths of stupidity appear almost daily.

For now we won't belabor the point that the Iowa straw poll indicates that a majority of Iowa republicans are just fine with someone obviously mentally challenged being president of the United States. If this opinion holds across the country then God help us all. Enough said on that topic.

The very latest example of human beings that function at or below the animal level involves children falling out of windows. This summer an epidemic of this has broken out in Des Moines. Every few days on the news we hear that a toddler has fallen from a second story or higher window. Setting aside how this points out that not every human being with working genital organs should be allowed to reproduce, the really mind boggling part is the response of the community. Des Moines is now setting up classes for parents on how to prevent children from falling out of windows. Yes, that's right, you didn't misunderstand - actual classes to teach presumably adult people how not to let their kids take the concrete plunge. What's the curriculum going to be? 101 - Proper use of screens? 102 - Windows, once opened, may be closed - a hands on approach? 103 - Putting down the crack pipe to watch the child - a survey of techniques?

The talking heads on the news seem to be soliciting sympathy for the parents. Sympathy my wrinkled ass! As corrupt and inefficient as Child and Family Services is, seize any kids belonging to these troglodytes and clap mom and dad (if dad is even around) in the slammer until child bearing age is past. The coddling of idiots in our society has got to cease.

Watching the sun set on my country.

Having spent the last ten years with my jaw constantly dropping at the machinations of the republican party (yes, grammar police I know it should be capitalized but I refuse to grant even this tiniest morsel of respect) I think I have finally figured out their game plan. As we all know, half the people you meet are below average intelligence and the average has been on a major slide since the late 19th century. As a result of these facts, in the United States of America the vast majority of the population is stupid. Republicans have obviously realized that this is their voter base for the future. If they can just train them to get out of the house, stumble to the polls and read enough of the ballot to vote, they can't lose. How else can you explain the fact that Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin, to name only two, are actually considered viable candidates for the presidency? And really, can you blame the republicans for grabbing this opportunity? You can twist history any way you want - none of your target constituency has any knowledge of it anyway. You can make up statistics, you can lie, you can proclaim family values while divorcing your cancer ridden wife since none of your target audience reads anything deeper than the TV listings and anything negative on the news must be the product of those damn commie liberals. Just hate women, minorities, proclaim your love for Jebus and the mouth breathing shamblers will gather like flies above fresh horse flop.

It's really no news to me that stupid is our country's new direction. I shouldn't be surprised when I see how our government at every level in the midst of a financial crisis refuses to eliminate waste caused by idiotic decisions. For example, how much good can be done for our country at home if our solution to everything in the world that irritates us is to try to bomb it out of existence? How many lives would be saved if instead of putting gruesome pictures on cigarette packages we just stopped subsidizing tobacco growers and manufacturers? How many future depressions or recessions could be avoided if bankers and Wall Street financiers were actually punished for swindling the American public? How much money could be saved and how many lives changed if we stopped pretending that locking up people for 20 years for possession of a roach and funding a completely failed "war on drugs" was having any effect whatsoever? I could go on for pages, and I'm sure anyone intelligent enough to read this blog could put up a long list of their own.

Sadly, I no longer believe that there are enough of us left to stop this slide into the kind of country we always tried to protect ourselves from in the years after World War II. I no longer believe that there are enough intelligent people willing to serve in a government that is paralyzed by partisanship and stupidity, not to mention horrible abuses of position such as attempts to sell Senate seats, molestation of aides and interns, flaunting of complete disregard for morals and ethics and ownership of members of congress by corporate interests which is not concealed nor denied. I've reached an age where I know I won't live long enough to see the full descent into the disappearance of the middle class and the division of the country into a huge poverty class toiling and supporting a tiny class of robber barons but I really see no way short of revolution out of it. Perhaps even my children will not see the ultimate result, but I fear for my grandchildren and all of their generation.

National Paranoia Gone Wild

As my wife and I are preparing for our annual escape from the eternal battle with the weather in Iowa I've been recalling an incident that occurred on our vacation last year.

Early September in northern North Dakota and we are spending most of our time collapsed in our cabin recovering from Iowa toxicity. Casting about on the map for possible locations of interest I note that we are only 90 minutes from the International Peace Garden. This could be interesting and perhaps present some photo ops. So the next morning we load the two dachshunds and a picnic lunch in the car and head north.

We should have sensed an omen as we headed up US 281 into the hills locally known as the Turtle Mountains and the fog gets thicker and thicker. By the time we reach the entrance to the park it's a real pea souper and the temp is 58-60 degrees. There is the familiar park service brown sign on the side of the road directing us to the park entrance. We pay the $10.00 entry fee and receive a brochure. I proceed to the nearest parking lot and stop to read about the scenic delights awaiting us (that we have no hope of seeing through the fog). A brief glance at the first page and I say to the wife "Oh-oh, it looks like we may actually be in Canada." Having closely followed the panic of isolationism following 9/11 we know that in order to stop the flow of terrorists from Canada to the US (pause for derisive laughter), for the first time in either nation's history, a US passport is now necessary to return from Canada to the US. Canada, still retaining a modicum of common sense, lets Americans drive right in.

So after we huddle shivering in the cold fog over a picnic table eating our lunch and then drive around the park where everything worth looking at is totally obscured by fog we decide to leave. As we leave the entrance of the park I sense the proximity of an odious substance to a fan when I see that in order to proceed south I must pass through a check point. When I pull up to the booth housing the Federal Border Thug (FBT) in my car bearing Iowa plates the FBT asks "You from the states?" followed by "Got any identification?" After both my wife and I offer our Iowa driver's licenses, the FBT says "Got passports?" Of course we don't so we are ordered to pull our car into a building resembling a warehouse, the FBT retaining our IDs.

Second FBT approaches the car:

"Give me your keys, grab your dogs and get out of the car."

We are led into the holding area where another hapless couple is waiting on a bench holding hands and visibly frightened. My wife is ordered to hand over her purse and I am ordered to empty my pockets. All these items vanish behind the counter and then we are questioned.

"Do you have a job?"
"If you work in Iowa what are you doing in Canada?"
Duh! there's an International Peace Garden here. Ever hear of tourism?
"Did you meet anyone in the woods."
Are you kidding me? Yeah this older middle aged couple came to the International Peace Garden with their dachshunds to pick up some grenades and rocket launchers. We couldn't think of a better way to make the exchange than trying to pull this off without passports.

"Sit down."

Which we did. And now I begin to worry. The FBTs have my car keys, all my ID, my credit cards, my money and all my wife's similar objects.

Meanwhile other FBTs are in the warehouse searching our car. I begin to wonder if they are so anxious to stick aging hippies with something that they will plant evidence in my car.

But, thankfully, after 30 minutes of holding our terrified dogs while we sit on a bench, our belongings are returned and we are allowed to proceed on our way. As we are escorted out to our car I mention to the FBT that there is no sign of any kind indicating that entering the International Peace Garden (a name which has now assumed a certain irony) entails leaving the United States, much less that there will be grave consequences should you try to re-enter.

The FBT laconically replies "Yeah, we get a lot of that."

I'm not sure I can comment rationally on this level of stupidity, let alone waste of tax payer money as the facts speak eloquently for themselves. And I have to wonder about the collective IQ of congress (I don't have to wonder about the IQ of George W. Bush the architect of all this paranoia - his level of intelligence or lack of it has always been glaringly evident) who let thousands of undocumented aliens pour across the border with Mexico, but want to harass midwestern tourists trying to visit the International Peace Garden. As John Stossel would say "Give me a break".

Half the people you meet.....

are below average intelligence. By definition. Think about it. I thought a lot about it right after the 2004 election. I've even researched the wide variety of stupidity. Take a look at this site and it's obvious that this guy has done a lot of thinking about it too. I like the way he has the domain of the stupid broken down into categories: Fools, Idiots, Stooges, Doofuses, Spazes, Airheads, Twits, Dolts, Morons, Imbeciles, Retards and Cretins. Anyone can make a list of their own - Boneheads, mouth-breathers, fog-dwellers, trance-walkers, slack jawed yokels, dumbasses, etc. etc. I'll bet that there is an astonishing list of words for the mentally challenged in Yiddish.

Anyone who is baffled by how much stupidity they witness on a daily basis should check out the 5 basic laws of stupidity here. I particularly like the conclusion that "A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit."

During the everyday struggle for survival I witness what I will call "Standard Stupidities" on a daily basis. Some of these are just mildly curious while others are life threatening.

A few selected examples:

The Malevolent Elevator
Working as I do in a large office building, I get to see this one three or four times a day. A group of people stand in front of a bank of elevators waiting for an elevator to arrive. Once it arrives, people begin boarding, pressing as they board, the button for their desired floor. When doing this, they look at the buttons. Buttons that light up once they have been pressed. I have observed that at least 80% of the people boarding an elevator will press the button for their floor even if it is already lit up. Likewise, when a newcomer arrives at the area where passengers wait for the elevator, at least 50% of the time they will press the "up" or "down" button even if IT is already lit. What do you suppose (if anything) is going on in their minds. "Oh, the elevator can tell how many people are in it (or waiting for it) and if the total button presses don't equal the number of people then the door will never open." A harmless but puzzling stupidity.

Clueless Motorist
Oh, there are so many of these - where to begin. How about the automobile owner on their way to work during rush hour with their cell phone firmly attached to the side of their head and frequently balancing a cup of coffee who cannot figure out which of two lanes they really want so they drive down the middle thus frustrating both lanes behind them. What is the logic here? "I want to finish this phone call and coffee so badly that I am willing to bet my life that no one will either; a) run into me, or (on the West Coast) b) haul out a pistol and relieve me of worry about going over my monthly minutes on a permanent basis."

Without needlessly belaboring the clueless motorist category (I'm sure everyone has a favorite example), what baffles me is that people get into a machine weighing upwards of 1000 pounds, coax it to speeds at which a head on collision is guaranteed to require the use of a putty knife to retrieve their remains and then don't bother to pay attention.

Hey, knucklehead! If you turn left from the right lane, the next drooling neanderthal coming up behind you is likely to embed a hood ornament in your rectum!

Don't bother to signal, we all know that the lever on the steering column is to hang underwear on.

Be sure and come to a complete stop when you are going to turn so that when you have failed to signal you get another chance at rectal embedment of some piece of automobile hardware.

Doofuses Fear Silence
"Hot (cold, wet, etc) enough for ya?" "How's the weather up there?" "How about them Knicks? (substitute name of local sports team as needed)" Translation: "I don't have anything original to say, nor could I formulate a coherent sentence if I did, but here's some noise coming out of my mouth that I hope will provide intellectual camouflage."

What the Hell is this Green Piece of Paper
Setting: Retail establishment of any kind.
Present your items for checkout and after being told the total, present twenty dollar bill (or whatever denomination). Clerk will 9 times out of 10 say "Out of twenty?" giving it a definite questioning inflection. The clerk is definitely not stating a fact or confirming what you just handed them, they are asking a question. Either that or they have forgotten how the English language works. (Maybe they have. English is not really considered an inflected language but questions definitely have a rising inflection.) If I didn't know that it would needlessly prolong the transaction I would love to answer "No, out of fifty." Then I would get to see the checkout monkey stand there looking helplessly from me to the bill in their hand while the hamster wheel spins out of control.

I could go on. And on. But it is remarkably depressing. I'm sure any reasonably intelligent reader has their own favorites. Feel free to leave examples in the comments.

Asshat vs. Asshat

Crowley vs. Gates. What a huge dick waving contest. Neighbor reports someone trying to break into a house. And that is exactly what Gates was trying to do. I hope my neighbors would do the same. Cop shows up to investigate. Instead of showing his identification politely and thanking the cop for trying to keep his house safe from burglary Gates takes offense and starts yelling and making accusations. I understand that blacks get fed up with some of the treatment they still receive, but pick your battles why don't you? Asshattery incident #1. I wonder if Gates' house actually gets burglarized in the future if the cops will bother to show up. So what was Sgt. Crowley's response? Once Gates identified himself Crowley seemed unable to realize that the major stimulus to Gates' agitation was himself. So instead of "Sorry to bother you sir, thanks for your cooperation." followed by a respectful exit, Gates gets arrested. Asshattery incident #2.

Now Obama gets involved and instead of the making the obvious observation that both parties were letting their endocrine systems overrule their brains, says that the police acted stupidly. Right now in the United States this comment is the equivalent of saying that water runs downhill. Nevertheless the statement was made. It might not have occurred to Obama but it doesn't take much reflection to realize that if there is some kind of altercation between a black man and an authority figure and Obama disses the authority figure it's going to be interpreted as racially motivated. So now we have Obama with his size 10s firmly implanted in his mouth.

Solution - all three are going to get together and have a beer. Right, next time you see a white cop and a black man calling each other names, just walk up and ask them to sit down with you for a beer. But since Obama is president the results are likely to be different. Namely, both parties are going to have to choke down their resentment at being treated like this is a disagreement between fans of rival sports teams and fake goodbuddyship for the press frenzy afterward.

And a good time was had by all. Doesn't America have some bigger problems than this? This is almost on the level of a falling out between Lindsay Lohan and Sam. ARGHHHH

Municipal Self Congratulation vs. Facts

Recently Des Moines, Iowa sent out an “informational” pamphlet to all the households in the city telling us how wonderful Des Moines is to live in, what a great job the city council is doing and how we should all quit bitching and fall down and worship our municipal benefactors. This was done at a cost of 93 cents per household for a total in the neighborhood of eighty thousand dollars. I’m not sure I would have been real happy with this expenditure even if the content were even close to accurate, but since I’m not, let’s take a look at how that 80K could have been better spent.

If I had more time and patience I would take each claim by the city fathers and cite an example to refute each one, but it will probably suffice to make a list.

1.have now lived here for 10 years. During that period of time there has not been a single day when the streets in the financial district, the heart of Des Moines’ tax base, has been free of barricades. Maybe we should fix streets before mailing pamphlets.

2.During the same 10 year period (in subsequent items, just assume that they are the result of 10 years observation) the entire storm drain system has been entirely inadequate. Water stands in the streets after even modest rainstorms. During heavy rains manhole covers are blown out of the streets and small geysers produce impassible conditions. In addition any precipitation at all causes a large segment of the city’s traffic lights to quit working. Is this a problem in an area where hardly a day passes in the spring and summer without a flood warning somewhere in the state? Think 80 grand might be a start toward alleviation?

3.The city loves to tout its river walk. One of the highlights of the river walk is a huge ugly complex of girders, mud and construction equipment that has been in this condition for at least 3 years and resembles nothing so much as an industrial dump site.

4.Downtown is supposed to be vital and thriving. The area is riddled with empty warehouses, department stores and condos.

5.The street department has absolutely no ability to plan ahead. The prime example of this is that in a two year period the street running in front of the State Capitol Building was entirely dug up three times for three separate projects. Could money have been saved by doing all three on a single time table?

6.The street department’s scheduling leaves a great deal to be desired in other areas as well. They certainly know how to start projects. They can put up barricades and tear up the streets – but then the projects are left alone while other streets are torn up and barricaded. Projects are scheduled for completion only after every street projected for work has been torn up and barricaded. Then years pass until the projects grind slowly to completion. In the meantime each spring, new barricades and torn up streets are added to the list whether the previous year’s work is done or not.

7.Streets are a problem in more ways than one. This is the only city of the many I have lived in that allows semis, construction equipment and other heavy machinery to drive on residential streets. Not only does this tear up the streets but trying to get around semis parked on narrow residential streets in order to get to your home is always a challenge.

8.I can remember driving through cities as early as the late 60s that had synchronized stop lights where it was possible to drive at a constant speed and avoid stopping. This is still news to our city fathers. Traffic lights go up with the settings they left the factory with. No synchronization not to mention the lack of different cycles for heavy traffic times and light traffic times. How much gas do you suppose is wasted sitting at red lights watching completely empty cross streets in industrial areas on Sundays and Holidays?

9.In the heart of the city, the financial district, where commuter traffic is heaviest, railroad lines actually run through the streets causing massive jams when trains run through during the rush hour. Progressive city Des Moines? This is strictly a cow town feature.

10.I have not seen a city police patrol car in the neighborhood I live in other than for emergency calls the aforementioned 10 years. Stop lights and stop signs are run, noise ordinances disregarded, residential streets used as drag strips, speed limits ignored and traffic ordinances of any kind pretty much ignored. There is no law in Dodge! Enforcement is nil. I don’t get it – and we really don’t have that many donut shops.

These are the most egregious faults. Like any city we have our urban blight. Empty stores can be found all over the city, some once inhabited by large retailers and now surrounded by weeds and debris. Areas where VIPs live and drive get plenty of attention while middle class neighborhoods get attention much later and low income housing is a black hole.

Things are unlikely to change because the city council is preoccupied with such matters as whether to rename a building that currently bears the name of a previous council member who is now a convicted felon for misappropriation of public funds. The populace has been cowed into an attitude of acceptance by complete disregard of their wishes by city hall. Publish all the pamphlets you want Des Moines Council. Those who live here know better.

Sorry this wasn't funnier. Living here is not funny either.

Winter in the Midwest and Abject Stupidity

When I moved to Iowa, no one told me that it was also fondly known as Baja Minnesota.

"Hey, you used to live in Illinois - what's the big deal?"

I'll tell you what the big deal is; blizzards. Not just snow, but piles upon piles of snow backed up by 40 mph winds and followed by days of below zero temperatures with -30 degree wind chills. Snow comes in from Nebraska horizontally. In Illinois a big snowfall is usually followed by kids sledding, building snowmen, ice skating on farm ponds. Not so in Iowa. After a snow in Iowa people of all age groups huddle indoors listening to the wind scream around the eaves and try to conjure up realistic sounding excuses for not showing up for school, work, church, or whatever other organization is fool hardy enough not to cancel their activities. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Whenever it snows in Iowa it first lays down at least a quarter inch of ice which arrives as freezing rain. Gotta love that when you go out to get in your car.

Ah yes, the car. There is a macho mindset in Iowa that nothing can stop commerce/business and if you can actually see the doorway to a place of enterprise it will somehow try to open no matter what the depth of the drifts in the streets. So one must climb into the vehicle and venture forth.

Problem 1: In Iowa snow removal does not start until the storm ends. That's right, if the storm lasts 4 days and deposits 28 inches of snow, not a plow, not a salt truck, not a sand spreader will creep from the city barns until bright sunshine is clearly visible and not a flake still floats in the air. Calls to the department of public works invariably brings the response "The main arteries were clear by 7:00 AM". This is little comfort as you sit on one of the aforesaid arteries hung up by the frame of your car in the middle of a 6 foot drift. Worse, the city employees trusted with the responsibility of clearing the streets suffer from "seasonal amnesia" where they forget from year to year what the white stuff falling out of the sky is and how to deal with it. Thus for at least the first two blizzards, no street clearing activities take place whatsoever.

Problem 2: All native born Iowans had as their last vehicle a horse and buggy. That can be the only explanation for their total inability to make the slightest effort to observe traffic laws and courtesies. Turn signals? Just rip that lever right off the column, Pa, we won't ever be using it. Changing lanes? Just change, if there is anyone behind you they'll look out for themselves. Turns? Just turn from whatever lane you happen to be in to any direction you wish, someone will look out for you. No parking places? Just park in the street and walk away - seriously, on any given day the streets are full of cars abandoned in traffic lanes while the owners run in for a donut or whatever. And all this is when the streets are clear, dry and in the light of day. When the snow starts, the seasonal amnesia sets in and as one, Iowa natives believe that bad weather driving consists of a single rule "drive as fast as you can and everyone else will get out of your way".

Let's face it, there's a theme here - which will turn up again and again in this blog and it is that the great majority of people are STUPID. Half the people you meet are below average intelligence - think about it - and that average has been falling steadily since the late 1800s (don't believe this? get hold of an 8th grade math book from the 1890s and look at the problems. Give these to the high school student who needs a picture of a burger on the key of the fast food cash register in order to ring up your order and see what results you get.) STUPID I tell you, STUPID.